Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a magic pill that could help boost sexual desire for those who struggle with its ebb and flow? I have written before about how never (or rarely) being in the mood for sex is one of the most common sexual problems that women of all ages can face at any point in their lives. Well, this may be hard to swallow, but there is no quick fix available for waning libido, even though pharmaceutical companies are hoping to eventually uncover a potential gold mine. Scientists all over the world are trying to discover that magic pill, so far without much success.
In my last column, I praised a new book, The Porn Trap, by Wendy and Larry Maltz, that can help some people get excessive porn use under control. This time, I will cover an equally valuable new book, The Return of Desire: A Guide to Reclaiming Your Sexual Passion, by Gina Ogden, Ph.D., whose previous books are The Heart and Soul of Sex and Women Who Love Sex.
Ogden writes: “…instead of viewing desire as a commodity, something that we’re in danger of losing or missing out on, I’d like us to agree up front that sexual desire is energy—a sustainable resource that’s available to all of us if we want it, even those of us who may not have it right now. Not just to lead us into steamier encounters, but to reconnect us with ourselves and our partners, and to discover new sources of pleasure and joy.”
The reader is encouraged to examine her own sexual responses from a broad perspective, one that includes not only physical aspects (such as how much she lubricates, whether she can reach orgasm, or enjoys genital touching and intercourse); but emotional (e.g. feeling passion, compassion, love, caring, empathy, safety, power, pleasure, intimacy, etc.); mental (e.g. decision making, memories, messages from childhood such as “Good girls don’t”); and spiritual ones as well.
You may wonder what spirituality has to do with sex. In the late 1990s, nearly 4,000 women ages 18 to 86 answered Ogden’s survey titled “Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality” (ISIS). Based on this survey, Ogden discovered that for many women (and men as well) sex sometimes includes a spiritual component that leads to sexual experiences that “radiate far beyond the bedroom to energize their whole lives.”
Don’t get me wrong. The book is in no way religious, and as far as Ogden is concerned, you are free to believe in any God (including the God of orgasms, I suppose), or none at all. She simply points out that sexual desire is complex, and that once a woman who struggles with low libido acknowledges the various aspects of it, she will be able to tap into a much larger part of herself when trying to rediscover her lost sexual passion than if she only focused on her physical responses.
Each person is different, of course. Ogden has the reader explore her own path to sexual desire, depending on what her life- and relationship-circumstances are. Each of us has the potential to gain clearer insight and greater understanding in what factors affect the libido. And sorry, there is just no quick fix for that. It takes time and effort to uncover. This book is a good resource to help you do just that.
Ogden also covers life events such as the time after giving birth, having your relationship threatened by an affair, wondering about your sexual orientation, and the after-effects of sexual abuse and trauma. All those events can cause people to lose their desire for sex, and mentally dealing with them is necessary in order to rediscover passion.
By Annette Owens
10 ways to control your anger - Professional expert’s advice
I am really emotional and excitable person. I think that there are two types of anger: constructive anger and a destructive one. In order to understand the anger phenomenon I decided to investigate the nature of anger, reasons of its appearing, key factors and anger management.
What does it mean this anger? Anger is a strong indignation feeling of our emotional sphere that is attended by self-control losing. Anger is a signal of our state. Glands produce an array of hormones that have a great and deep effect on all our body. The main participants of this process are adrenaline and cortisol. They activate cardiovascular system and consequently all organs. Adrenalin causes fast heart beating, rising blood pressure. These rich oxygenated blood streams to the places are responsible for reaction. Thus some extra energy is released.
There are 4 basic ways of anger expressions:
1. Straight and immediately (verbally or nonverbally) to show your anger. It gives an opportunity to free from the negative emotions.
2. To express anger in an indirect way. In this case usually suffer persons that are weaker, not dangerous and those ones who “come to hand”, usually they are our family and close relatives. Thus we hurt our dear ones. One of the best ways is to express your anger to the person who is the source of this very anger. If it is impossible- better find some compromise.
3. Restraining anger you “drive” it deep inside. So, negative emotions store will provoke a big stress sooner or later.
4. You may foresee situation of anger feeling, try not to expand this feeling but get to know the reason, understand and solve it. A Roman philosopher Seneca said: “When you are feeling of ascending “volcano”- stand still, not doing anything- not speaking, not moving.”
Anger is a normal and natural human feeling, especially nowadays as life is really fast and we have a huge amount of information to accumulate (in comparison with our previous generations). The range of anger is rather wide: from a slight annoyance to impetuous fury. Anger can be quick and long, lasting for years in form of bitterness, vengeance or hate. Anger can lead to health issues like depression, high blood pressure, hearth diseases, stresses, alcohol dependence and obesity. If you are anger- express it. If you feel discomfort from these “negative splashes”- then we can give some techniques how to manage your emotional anger:
- 1. Take a deep and continuous breath. Count up to 50 or imagine your aggressor just naked, only in socks. This will help you to calm and smile.
- 2. Have a walk. Look at high sky. Continue to breathe deep and easily. So you appraise the situation and calm down.
- 3. Do some physical exercises. When you are angry- your body is very tensed and tough. If you stretch your muscles it will relax your body, as you will spill out all your negative energy into action. Your brains will get more oxygen and it assists to clear your thoughts.
- 4. Write down all your thoughts. Write down that you are mad and why. Avoid being rational, logical or laconic. Write on paper all you are feeling this moment. Try to write all in details. The function of this technique is to shift all your anger out of your head on paper.
- 5. Be grateful. Find someone to thank. Do you not forget about yourself. Thank that you have woken up today, thank that that the Sun is shining for you, that the sky is blue and the grass is green.
- 6. Prayer. Ask God to be with you during this anger moment and lead you.
- 7. Meditation. Close your eyes, look into solar plexus, and be all your anger, breathing deeply.
- 8. Change of places. Move yourself on your enemy’s place. And look at situation from his point of view. Better look at the situation from the ceiling. Focus on details, especially on funny and absurd ones. Strive to forgive your enemy as well as forgive truly yourself.
- 9. Go back to your childhood memories. Recollect state when you were angry. Hug this child and say: “All is ok. I am here. You are good child. I love you and I will not leave you.”
- 10. Your values. What is the most significant thing in your life? Who are the most important people in your life? What kind of person do you want to be? Think and accept that point that you are living your life, and you are living your values. There is a good man inside you that wants to help you. I wish you good luck!
I am really emotional and excitable person. I think that there are two types of anger: constructive anger and a destructive one. In order t...
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